I found out my little boy was being bullied and I struggled to cope
When my son was ten years old I discovered he was being bullied by a boy in his class and I didn’t know what to do to help or what to say that could make it better.
I suspect my initial reaction was just like many parents when they discover their child is being bullied — I wanted to storm into the school and demand a meeting with the head teacher and the bully’s parents. I wanted action to be taken. I didn’t want my little boy to carry on suffering.
Feeling that marching into school could make the whole situation worse, I didn’t do this. Instead I sat down with my little boy, we talked and tried to find a way to guide and empower him to deal with this himself.
During our chat I discovered that the bullying was not just against him but also two of his friends (through their association with my son). The bullies were trying to intimidate my son — blocking doorways so he couldn’t get through, hiding or throwing his PE kit, making nasty comments and name calling.
However, what surprised me most though was his feelings towards this. When I asked him if it upset him or what he’d like to do about it, he just shrugged and said he was fine and that he wasn’t bothered by it. He was quite happy to carry on just ignoring them.
I have to admit I wasn’t convinced by this, so I spent nearly every evening interrogating him as to whether anything had happened at school that day. So much so that I think I ran the risk of becoming the bully or have him close up entirely on me.
So I let it drop and resigned myself to watching over him and asking him occasionally — an approach that seemed to please us both. I should also add that in the meantime I did in fact raise it with the school. I didn’t get angry, instead I mentioned it, almost in passing, so they were aware and could keep an eye out for anything of concern.
You may think that I should have been more angry or demanded that action was taken. And I probably should. But while talking to my son I discovered something that worried me as much, if not more. My little boy didn’t have many friends at school — in fact he often spent some days playing or sitting outside on his own at playtimes. Some days he would stay in at playtime, helping the teacher, rather than be outside on his own.
That night I cried. Big heavy tears. He’s my little boy. And he has no friends. He’s spending his playtimes alone.
When he started at that school he had lots of really close friends — he went to parties and had play dates. But when you become the target for a bully friends can disappear overnight. Afterall, they don’t want to become a target themselves. It takes real strength at ten years old to stick by a friend who is being bullied.
I am incredibly lucky. My son is one of the kindest, caring, loveliest little boys that I have ever met (bias alert!) While these are qualities that I admire in him, I am aware that his shy and timid personality were the qualities that made him an easy target for being bullied.
The final straw came for me when he came home from school with a black eye — caused somehow by the bully (accidently according to the school) picking up a water bottle he had dropped which then somehow made contact with my son’s eye.
I’m his mum — I want to help him. I want to make sure that he’s happy. I want to make sure he has friends. I wanted to do something to boost his confidence again.
Bullying comes in so many different forms and can affect people differently. Some people learn coping mechanisms, but for many people, especially young people, the effects be really damaging and long lasting. The growth of social media has seen such an increase in online bullying — sometimes ending in the most tragic of circumstances. And bullying isn’t just something that happens at school or something that just happens to young people.
There are many great charities out there doing some fantastic work to raise awareness of bullying. In the UK Bullying UK offers a wealth of advice on their website for parents and anyone worried about bullying. Bullies Out offer training workshops to encourage people to take a stand against bullying.
So how did our story end? Did we beat the bullies? You could say we did. How? Giving my son his confidence back and building his friend network was the most important thing for me. To do this I had to look further than his school — I had to look at those afterschool clubs, those activities that he enjoyed and wanted to do more of. In the end he joined the Sea Cadets. I realise that this approach doesn’t work for everyone, but I am so thankful that it worked for him. In fact, it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done for him.
Not only does he spend time doing the things he loves — boating, kayaking and being outdoors — he’s also built a really great network of friends, some of which have also followed him to his new school (he moved onto senior school and thankfully the bully went to a different one!) and he has the confidence to deal with any more bullies that come into his life.
I don’t want to trivialise the effects of bullying or make it sound that dealing with bullying is easy. It’s not. Bullying is a horrible thing to go through and for some people the effects of bullying can last a lifetime.
But if you, or someone you love, is being bullied there are people you can turn to for help and advice. Please don’t suffer alone. Bullying is never your fault. You have done nothing to deserve this and there are people out there that can help. Please don’t let the bullies win.
